Texas Bullrope Match
Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle
Raw, August 31st 2009
If you’ve ever thought modern wrestling was bad, let me remind you what the depressing world of 2009 Raw was. The everlasting main event trio of Triple H, John Cena and Randy Orton. The guest hosts. A jarring and excruciating overcompensation to the PG era. This is, for good reason, my least favourite era of WWE wrestling.
I’ve often said that the top end of the list is a perfect spot for matches you want to give a special shout out to that otherwise don’t fit every criteria. Consider this a sort of lifetime achievement award to this infamous feud which unanimously fit onto every worst feud of 2009 list. On its own this is a stupid segment befitting of 2009 Raw. But on its own this would just be forgotten about to history, like the Pilgrims vs Indians diva match; or JR vs Michael Cole main eventing the first ever Mexican Raw. However, this isn’t just one match. This is match SEVEN in this two month feud between the two men. We’ve seen a boxing match; a falls count anywhere match where Chavo Guerrero gets knocked out by Macaulay Culkin in a Home Alone skit; a tuxedo match; a match where Chavo is blindfolded; a match where Chavo has a hand tied behind his back. But this is the one I chose to include as the culmination of this feud that made the summer of 2009 feel excruciatingly long.
As the Raw Guest Host is Dusty Rhodes, the match is a Texas Bullrope match. First person to tie their opponent using the Bullrope is the winner. Chavo however has to wrestle this match in a full cow costume because that’s funny apparently. “This the first time ever on Raw. A leprechaun dressed as a cowboy versus a cow” - Michael Cole summarising the sheer stupidity of this.
The match itself lasts around 90 seconds, but through this whole segment, Cole and Lawler have just about every bovine joke known to man at the ready. This just reinforces my belief that Cole and Lawler were the worst combination of commentators ever. And I say this as someone who is a bit of a Cole sympathiser, but the combination with Lawler didn’t work at all. This is one of those matches where you just know that Vince McMahon was watching on his monitor laughing his ass off for every second of it. A particular highlight of this match is Hornswoggle grabbing Chavo’s tail, and Chavo selling it as if it were actually attached to his body.
If you’ve ever seen one of these Chavo vs Hornswoggle matches, you know how it goes. Hornswoggle takes maybe a bump but otherwise it’s Chavo getting frustrated, making himself look like an idiot, and losing in a contrived way. It wasn’t funny in the first match, it wasn’t funny in the second match, and it certainly isn’t funny in the seventh match. Hornswoggle hog ties Chavo for the win of course.
The post match continues the shenanigans as Evan Bourne sets Chavo up for Hornswoggle to hit a Tadpole Splash. It also features perhaps the most painfully mistimed joke maybe in the history of humanity. Michael Cole says “I tell you one thing …” ready for the big joke when Hornswoggle hits the splash. Unfortunately, it’s a good 15 seconds before Hornswoggle is ready to hit it, meaning that Lawler has to awkwardly set it up once again, before a cow sound is played across the arena - and finally Michael Cole exclaims “WHAT A MOOOOOOOOO-ve”. All that set up … for that. It’s probably the most awkward joke in wrestling since Eric Bischoff’s “can’t find your scissors”.
Let’s not mistake this as the true end to this debacle. In 2010 they would briefly reignite the feud in the iconic Hornswoggle vs Swagger Soaring Eagle match. I did think about that match making the list, but the masochist in me actually enjoyed the comedy, and it wasn’t presented as Chavo in the eagle costume. Plus as it was a Thanksgiving episode it had somewhat of a reason to exist. This match is irredeemable. I do find a sense of strange enjoyment that Hornswoggle, having defeated Chavo for the Cruiserweight Championship he would retire, was probably Chavo’s biggest rival in WWE outside of Eddie and Ray. Poor guy, not even Chavo deserves that.
Up next, terrible matches on international network events are not limited to Saudi Arabia.
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