Worst WWE Match Ever - 84 - John Bradshaw Layfield vs. John Cena - Great American Bash 2008

 84.

New York City Parking Lot Brawl

JBL vs. John Cena

Great American Bash 2008

Ah, the infamous JBL is Poopy feud. In the midst of a quite horrible 2008 return, JBL renewed his rivalry with John Cena stemming back from 2005. JBL’s 2008 return was pretty awful on the whole, and would only get worse and worse as the year wore on. Despite this, he imposed himself on the Raw main event scene for the majority of the year, mostly as the most credible heel who could actually give CM Punk a much needed victory through the summer.

John Cena and JBL did have a phenomenal match in 2005 in their I Quit match. And people have always had fond memories of the John Cena vs Eddie Guerrero parking lot brawl from 2003, so you’d be forgiven for having some optimism for this match.

However, this match - and the aforementioned JBL is Poopy feud - is symptomatic of its time, and the difficult transition WWE was in the middle of making. One of the iconic images of their 2005 I Quit match is the incredible blade job by John Cena, which added a layer of violence to the match. However, in the summer of 2008 WWE was making a transition to a new PG focused era which would create a sharp change in both storylines and wrestling style, particularly in a seemingly big blood feud. Interestingly, this show features the last confirmed intentional blade job in WWE (Shawn Michaels vs Chris Jericho). After this, blading was banned from WWE. Correct me if I’m wrong, but all subsequent instances of blood have been hard way, or at least that is what WWE have claimed in instances such as Brock vs Roman, Brock vs Undertaker Hell in a Cell and, infamously, Brock vs Orton. 

This is all to say that tone is the biggest issue concerning this match. It’s a feud featuring “JBL is Poopy” but this match features multiple attempts on a competitor’s life. They are literally trying to murder one another, but blood is too far for the match, and nobody seems to treat these ridiculous over the top spots with any weight. Is this a blood feud, or is it a joke? 

The first thing that stands out when putting this match on is the lack of commentary during the parking lot segment. We’ll see this in future entries, but matches without commentary are difficult to watch unless you’ve got extraordinary circumstances like a raucous crowd. It just makes the match uncomfortable to watch. There’s a reason movies have soundtracks, and sports have commentary. Because shockingly, watching two people do stuff with only natural sound effects is extremely boring especially in this case where neither are the most compelling wrestler. If this had commentary, I probably wouldn’t even consider putting it on the list. I’m assuming this was a design choice because the match is clearly pre-recorded, at least in some portions. I think that’s a weak argument because it would be easy to implement commentary, but it’s the only justification I can think of. 

To kick off the match, John Cena ambushes JBL and tries to run him down immediately. Cena then channels his inner Kane by electrocuting JBL’s balls with jumper cables. This is where you start to feel the vacancy left by commentary. The Kane and Shane McMahon spot only worked because you had JR on commentary screaming about how barbaric it was. Whereas here, it’s not even in the top 3 most ridiculous spots, and there’s no commentary to complement it. 

In a second attempted murder Cena launches a keg at JBL full force, only for JBL (with the aid of a convenient camera cut) to move out of the way. WWE’s editing of this match was not good at all. When watching it, it feels like one of those cinematic covid matches that didn’t hit the spot. 

The spots between the attempted murder feature the two men with some weak trash talk; heavy breathing; listening to the ref constantly asking them if they want to quit; and bumping around the cars like it’s a 1999 WCW Hardcore title match. Speaking of the referee, this is another overly concerned referee who constantly tells the competitors that they’re taking it too far. This is one situation where commentary is desperately missed, because they should be going apoplectic on commentary when we see attempted murder number 3. The poor referee has to do the job that the commentators should be doing by talking about how barbaric this is. 

JBL takes out a gas canister and douses a car in gasoline with Cena locked inside. Thankfully there’s crew members on hand to put out the fire, and after another convenient camera cut, Cena is seen exiting the now extinguished car and is back after JBL. Cena, not content with the attempt on his own life, tries to one-up JBL by trying to impale him with a forklift, before taking JBL out to the stage. The commentary team is now awake, ending the uncomfortable silence and the conclusion of the match feels more like a traditional falls count anywhere match.  

To go along with the weird tone to the match, Cole and Lawler are commentating the match as if we haven’t just seen a violent attempted murder. Hell, after nearly being set on fire, Cena is laughing at various points. Eventually JBL throws Cena off the stage into the windshield of a car. That’s enough to give Bradshaw the win, and another loss in a year seemingly filled with them for John Cena. Tonally, this match is a total mess, and despite the ridiculousness of the spots that make it “entertaining crap”, there’s too many problems to not include this on the list.

Up next - we go back to the start of the 90s for another traditional Survivor Series match.

https://discord.com/channels/1007269901859307631/1059557356238811227

Worst WWE Match Ever - 87 - Armando Elejandro Estrada vs. Braden Walker - ECW, 8th July 2008

 87.

Armando Elejandro Estrada vs. Braden Walker

ECW - 8th July 2008

You only get one chance at a first impression.

Shinsuke Nakamura. Chris Jericho. Kane. These are among the standard bearers of great debuts. The sort of debut where you remember vividly every detail, and watch a star emerge overnight.

Then there’s the other side of the coin.

Sin Cara. The Shockmaster. Tito Ortiz. The debuts that became infamous for their failure. One that derailed future plans and left the talent scrambling to salvage what was left of their career, broken by an ill fated, poorly booked, or badly executed introduction.

Braden Walker is in the latter category.

Braden Walker had maybe a combined 15 minutes of television time on WWE TV across the two weeks he appeared on television. And yet those 15 minutes have been enough to cement his name in infamy. In a segment that has been parodied and mocked for the last 15 years, Braden Walker is introduced backstage as ECW’s newest superstar, debuting with a knock knock joke with all the writing, delivery and comedic timing of a eulogy. He was doomed from the start.

Now if Braden Walker was just some dude, then nobody would have batted an eye about him, and he’d be lost to history only to those brave enough to dig into the archives of WWE ECW. But Braden Walker was the former Chris Harris from TNA. One half of TNA’s greatest tag team, America’s Most Wanted. He was part of one of TNA’s finest and most memorable matches against Triple X in 2004. Even as recently as a year before this match, he and his former tag team partner, James Storm, were having TNA’s match of the year at Sacrifice 2007. At Slammiversary he was briefly pushed into the TNA World Championship picture as part of the King of the Mountain match. It looked like he was set to break out as TNA’s next big homegrown star. So when he was let go and picked up by WWE there was some optimism from a lot of fans, myself included.

But Shock, I hear you say, surely the promo isn’t enough to ruin his career. And that brings us to the match. 

His opponent tonight is Armando Alejandro Estrada, who was fighting for a contract in ECW after his tenure as ECW General Manager ended. Estrada - who was a fun manager character at the start of his WWE run - had inexplicably been changed to a wrestler role that didn’t work for him whatsoever and would ultimately end with his own release in 2008.

In a vacuum, does this match warrant a place on the list? Probably not. This is a plain-ass 4 minute match where nothing interesting whatsoever happens. But therein lies the problem. Braden Walker, out of shape, in his plain black singlet, with his new generic name, standard stock entrance music, with his default entrance where he simply points once, and fresh off one of the most infamously bad opening promos, did absolutely nothing interesting in this match. He is a default create-a-wrestler and this is the tutorial match. Any enthusiasm anyone might have had for Chris Harris in WWE was killed in a single night. 

First of all, at 4 minutes long, this is entirely too long for a debut match against Estrada. Why is he taking meaningful offence from Estrada? Why is he selling for him? Walker could have maybe, maybe survived that horrible opening promo if he was given the opportunity to shine. But he didn’t - he spent most of this 4 minute match selling for Estrada. This debut should be a showcase for him. I referenced Sin Cara earlier - even in his debut match against Primo, at least WWE tried to showcase some of the stuff he could do by pairing him with someone like Primo who could (in theory) complement him. Walker is sitting there in chinlocks and bearhugs from Armando Estrada. He wins off the most basic of babyface moves (a flying cross body) so nothing original there - and even in doing that he nearly landed on Estrada’s head.

Am I saying this to say Braden Walker is blameless? Absolutely not, he is definitely just as much at fault for the mediocre showing as WWE was. Clearly he was not in the best shape, and didn’t look particularly motivated during his debut match. 

However if I didn’t know better, I’d say the entire presentation of Braden Walker was a sabotage, like someone vehemently opposed the signing of Chris Harris and went all out to kill his WWE career dead. In short, this is the most bland presentation of a wrestler you’re ever likely to see, from the music, the promo, the wrestling style, the attire, the look. And if it were anyone else, it wouldn’t even be in consideration for this list. But because it’s Chris Harris and we know he could be at least something, this deserves its place here and its place in wrestling infamy.

Up Next - modern day women’s wrestling is brought back 15 years at the Grandest Stage of Them All.

https://discord.com/channels/1007269901859307631/1059557356238811227

Match of the Week - Fire Ant vs Vin Gerard - CHIKARA Young Lions Cup VI

Truthfully I've never been one to watch much CHIKARA. I've dabbled here and there but it's not a promotion I dedicated a lot of time to. So this review may lack a bit of context, but will hopefully be good for an outsider's perspective. At the same time, this match is very accessible due to how simple (that's not to say bad) the backstory to this match is. CHIKARA as a whole has always had its clear identity within US indies, and that identity plays into the story of the match. Vin Gerard is despised within the promotion for being an antagonist against the masked wrestlers of the promotion. Fire Ant meanwhile came into this tournament as a replacement for Worker Ant. This is the finals of the 6th Young Lions tournament. 

I thought this was a great match with an easily digestible story that is effortless to get into. Prior to the match, Gerard slaps Fire Ant across the face, setting the tone for the entire match. Once the match starts, Fire Ant begins with an aggressive flurry. It doesn't take long from there before Gerard takes control of the match, taunting Fire Ant and the crowd. Early on, we've quickly established the characters and their personalities. Once Worker Ant comes out on crutches to support Fire Ant, the stakes of the match are set out. Worker Ant isn't the only man to come out in support of Fire Ant and the sight of the masked wrestlers from CHIKARA coming out in support of Fire Ant is by far my favourite part of the whole match. It's always a fantastic moment when a heel gets his comeuppance from multiple sources in a single match or moment. It's that sort of touch that heightens the importance of the match while also making it feel unique. Similarly, I loved the moment later on where Gerard hit a powerbomb and tried to use the ropes for leverage purely from the reaction to it. The reaction from the wrestlers on the outside and the commentators put the spot over fantastically.

The emotion of the match is heightened by the character performance of both wrestlers. It's remarkable to see how good Fire Ant is both with and without the mask as Orange Cassidy. It's reminiscent of how effortlessly Sami Zayn went from being a masked wrestler to unmasked while still being a fantastic babyface. I guess being a great babyface just comes naturally to them. 

That's not to say the match is without its faults. Part of this is due to the inherent rules of the match, namely the 20 count on the floor. After Fire Ant hits a sick looking fireman's carry to the floor, it begins a very, very long 20 count to tease a countout finish. Gerard, in fairness, sells this well - both visually and audibly. The problem is it comes relatively early in the match, isn't a believable finish, and you feel every second of that 20 count. That's not a problem in and of itself, but later in the match they repeat a count out spot. After a couple of long STFs by Gerard, including one on the outside, its clear that he's trying to win by countout. It also includes a neat spot where he moves Fire Ant further from the ring. The problem is that I found it brought the pace match to a screeching halt for a second time in this 15 minute match. I don't think this is an inherent flaw of the 20 count either - if the workers know they have a 20 count, then I think the should work around that a little smarter.

Nonetheless, the finishing sequence with Fire Ant firing up is great, and even the no-sell of the Burning Hammer didn't bother me too much based on what we had been shown earlier in the match and the importance of it. Overall this was a thoroughly enjoyable match that is easy to watch and show to anyone. While it may not be technically spectacular, the emotion and story of the match made this feel special and gripping. 

Match of the Week - Team TNA vs. Team Japan vs. Team Mexico vs. Team International - TNA Victory Road 2008

Ahead of a totally legitimate world sporting tournament, for this week's match we look at a different totally legitimate worldwide competition. As part of the 2008 World X Cup, we have for this week a 12 man elimination tag team match, with the competitors below:

Team TNA - Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, & Curry Man

Team Japan - Masato Yoshino, Milano Collection AT, & Puma

Team Mexico - Averno, Rey Bucanero, & Ultimo Guerrero

Team International - Alex Koslov, Doug Williams, & Tyson Dux

Far be it from me to question the wisdom of Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. But naming the teams Team TNA and Team International give me real Reverend Lovejoy talking to Apu vibes: "be they Christian, Jew or ... miscellaneous". But in all seriousness, I did enjoy the World X Cup concept and think this kind of thing has always had an untapped potential in wrestling. I feel like with a proper commitment to the cause, a wrestling company could produce a truly compelling tournament based on nationalities. Rules are simple - two guys in the ring at once, once a competitor is eliminated they're gone. I enjoyed Don West commenting about the psychology of the match where you may not want to get involved in the match. If you're not in, you can't be eliminated. This does play into the match a little bit, which we'll get to shortly.

First thing's first. Masato Yoshino is outrageously fast. Most famous in the US for that six man tag at Supercard of Honor 2006, and even in that insanely paced match he felt lightyears faster than anyone else. He's worth spotlighting since this match is predominantly focused around him. Of course, as a TNA opening match of a PPV, this is as electric as you would expect. When I initially got into TNA in 2005, it was these sort of quick X Division openers that sucked me into the programming. They were providing a style of wrestling that wasn't easily accessible on TV at the time. Between that and the 6 sided ring, those are always what stood out to me and gave TNA its niche that I, and many others, originally latched onto.

In that regard, this match is not one for thorough play by play commentary. Puma and Milano Collection AT (who had a couple of awesome Matrix-like spots) are eliminated early, leaving Yoshino all by himself on his team. I loved that he never got a tag out for ages in the early going because it makes complete sense that nobody would want to tag him when he could be easily eliminated and take Team Japan out of consideration. I was thinking that would be a cool storyline point, but after he manages to get a pin on Averno, he rolls out the ring and then is no longer the legal man. I think there was some potential for a bit of storytelling using strategy of tags, but they went in the direction of not caring about tags. I don't necessarily think it's bad, as this is better for match flow and they did return to this storyline beat later on.

With 11 eliminations to get through, the eliminations come quick and often, even at a match that lasted over 20 minutes. However it's certainly not a Survivor Series "guy gets eliminated by a suplex" situation as most of the eliminations feel like moves fitting of pinning a guy. But having 12 men in the match does lead to several wrestlers feeling inconsequential. A better example of this kind of match would be the Genesis 2005 elimination match which was a similar length with 8 competitors, which felt like it had more time to breathe. That's not to say that this match is bad by any means, but with 12 men there's only so much attention that can go around even in 24 minutes. 

As well as Yoshino's survival, the other story is that MCMG manage to get the man advantage for Team TNA. Once all of Team Mexico is eliminated and we're left with just Alex Koslov, Masato Yoshino, and MCMG the match focuses on MCMG's tag team prowess. They begin to hit a bunch of fantastic looking, albeit slightly contrived, tag team spots. But it worked because they were the only team with the man advantage, so its logical that they'd be able to use that to set up big tag team spots. 

Eventually Chris Sabin is eliminated, leaving just Alex Koslov, Alex Shelley, and Masato Yoshino. Yoshino manages to eliminate Koslov, and goes from a dire situation where he'd potentially win 0 points for Team Japan to guaranteeing at least 2 points. This match did a tremendous job of putting over Masato Yoshino as well as MCMG as a team. It's kind of scandalous that this would be Yoshino's final TNA performance because I think he certainly warranted a shot, and he was presented as a guy that they had future plans for. Perhaps it wasn't so much a lack of interest on TNA's part, but rather contract, or overseas obligation, I couldn't say. 

Overall I thought this match was a blast and a great example of how you can add a slight bit of storytelling to make an otherwise enjoyable opening spotfest that much more enjoyable. This is an ideal PPV opener that feels important, sets the correct tone, and pleases the crowd. Say what you want about TNA, but this is the stuff that made the promotion a lot of fun around this time.

Match of the Week - The Big Show vs. Floyd Mayweather - Wrestlemania 24

Following on from a spectacular celebrity match featuring a cocky boxer this past weekend, our match of the week takes us back to 2008. At the time, this was widely considered one of the best matches featuring a non-wrestler in WWE history. The match came about following Big Show's return at No Way Out 2008, where he came back 100lbs lighter and in the best shape of his life. However, in typical Big Show fashion, he turned heel about 5 minutes into his return as Rey Mysterio had the sheer audacity to be injured, stealing Show's spotlight. In one of the best segments of the year, Floyd Mayweather came in to stop Big Show. Big Show even knelt down to allow Mayweather to strike him. Brave man. Needless to say, Mayweather wasn't used to pulling his punches, so he ended up breaking Big Show's nose. The weeks leading up to this match originally had Mayweather as the babyface, until everyone remembered he's a cocky piece of shit, and it was leaked that he was receiving $20 million for the match. WWE saw the writing on the wall, so he was quickly retconned as the heel of the match. 

That wasn't the only tumultuous part of this build up. According to an interview by Big Show, the original plan going into 2008 was to have a tag match between Big Show and Mayweather against Rey Mysterio and Batista. Prior to No Way Out, Mysterio had torn his bicep right off the bone, leaving Big Show to wrestle Mayweather, while Batista was left shoehorned in a filler match with Umaga. 

One thing that this match does have is it feels fitting for the spectacle of Wrestlemania. WWE steered a little bit away from the celebrity side of things for a while in the 2000s. Wrestlemania 24 followed the success of Wrestlemania 23 with Donald Trump as its headline act - at the time the highest grossing Wrestlemania of all time. WWE went to the well once again, making an outside celebrity the big draw of Wrestlemania. This benefited from the fact that Mayweather was a legitimate world renowned athlete at just about the peak of his prowess - this wasn't some Butterbean situation.

Not only that, the obvious size contrast makes it a fascinating spectacle. Put Mayweather up against a wrestler his own size and everyone would rightfully assume Mayweather would obliterate him. But put him up against the largest athlete in the world makes it far more interesting. I remember a forum I was on at the time having a big discussion about who would win a shoot fight, and is a question that still pops up on r/whowouldwin from time to time. 

Early going starts as you would expect with Mayweather using his quickness to avoid Big Show and get in some body shots. They don't seem to have much affect, but that changes when Mayweather actually manages to get Big Show's chin, which gets an audible gasp from the crowd. I loved the strategy of Big Show going for the hand - it shows that Big Show respects the danger that Mayweather presents, while also being a total dickhead thing to do in his own right.

Given Mayweather's commitment to his own sport, there was a lot of question about how much he'd bump and be willing to take. How can they make a match between babyface Big Show and heel Floyd Mayweather work? And truthfully there's nothing too dangerous - everything looks and feels safe, which is a negative to the match. It's understandable, but I think that more modern celebrity matches have spoiled us in our expectations (think Bad Bunny and Logan Paul in recent times). What Mayweather does have is character and personality. He's such a little shit, but he's also willing to give a lot to Big Show. Show dominated most of this match and Mayweather sold like a madman for him. Mayweather's entourage takes a lot of the big bumps in this match and I loved how they used his henchmen to tease the spots down the line - in particular the big chop.

The finish was simple, but incredibly smart. It worked into Mayweather being a complete prick, and managed to make the Big Show look dominant even in defeat. 

Overall I think this match has aged a bit since it happened. People like Bad Bunny and Pat McAfee have pushed the bar for celebrity matches high since then. You still get your duds even today, and it's easy to see the celebs that are willing to give their all and those who are there for an easy payday and publicity. On the other hand, some things are timeless in wrestling and character work, selling, and spectacle are three of those things. This match certainly feels special and way overdelivered. It can't have been an easy match to plan out given how different they are, and their respective alignments - so it's a testament to everyone involved that this match is the success it is. 

Blue Panther Vs Villano V - CMLL Anniversario (19/9/08)

Ed reviews.....old lucha? I'm as surprised as you are.

I really enjoyed the recent mask vs mask match from the third and final 2022 Triplemania show by Pentagon Jr and Villano IV, the last remaining masked brother of the famous Mendoza family.  Or it least he was until he lost his mask to Penta.  During that match there was a spot where Villano IV rolled up Penta for a dramatic nearfall which was an ode to his brother, Villano V, rolling up Blue Panther to win his mask which by all accounts was something of a shocking result.  Out of curiosity I wanted to see how good that match was, so I fired up the CMLL 75th Anniversario show 

The answer is, it's very good indeed.  This is my first time watching either man, and my first impression is that Blue Panther has one of the best topes I've ever seen, and for a 48 year old that's saying something.  It's not quite Darby Allin being shot out of a cannon in it's impact, it's more graceful than that, but it packs a punch and sends his opponents flying.  The first one he pulls off in the match becomes the big highlight of the Primera Caida and a plot device that runs through the whole thing.  Panther's tope sending V5 crashing backwards into the crowd and the back of his head collides with an armrest in a nasty bump.  We get several slow mo replays and it looks more brutal each time you see it.  As the match progresses we can see blood stains on the back of V5's mask.  The first two falls get decided on DQ's; firstly V5 swipes Panther's mask off and rolls him up in a pin, but the referee spots the maskless Panther and DQ's V5 for it.  The DQ in the Segunda Caida is devilishly clever.  Mask tugging and ripping in matches like this is commonplace, and Panther has every right to go after it the way V5 has been behaving - but V5's second for the match (who I am unfamiliar with but he has a ponytail so lets call him El Hijo del Furio) has been dousing the back of V5's blooded mask with water and loosening the straps, so that when Panther goes to tug it slightly, it slips right off which the referee rules as another DQ.  Panther sells this perfectly with his body language, stunned at what happened and explaining to his second, Mistico, that he just wanted to rip at the mask to work the cut on the back of his head.

The 3rd fall sees a return of Panther's awesome topes, which has V5 crashing into the seats again, only this time there's fans occupying them to cushion his blow.  Fortunate for him, unfortunate for the women who get crushed twice by Panther's topes.  V5 gets his own back by transforming into Brock Lesnar and taking Panther to SUPERPLEX CITY BITCH, by pulling off three superplexes in a row.  Things really heat up in the final moments where Panther locks in a signature snap fujiwara armbar, but when he goes for it a second time he gets caught in a crucifix pin which costs him his precious mask.  

With mask Vs mask matches, the post match adds so much to the overall package because the emotion on display is unmatched.  Panther is crying as he unmasks, V5 is overcome with pride and respect and puts Panther on his shoulders to parade him round the ring, fans are jumping for joy in the crowd and it all gets too much for an old lady who tosses her Blue Panther mask away in disgust that her hero let her down.  As someone who often leaves football games in disgust because his team always lets him down, I can relate so much with that old Mexican lady. 

I may watch more Blue Panther in the future.  He rocked.