98.
The Royal Rumble Match
Royal Rumble 1999
Royal Rumbles in the 90s are a rough affair. There’s some gems like the 1991 and 1992, but on the whole they fall far off the average quality set by modern standards. This is thanks to a combination between a depletion of star power as the 90s wore on, and them not quite working out the almost fool-proof formula. In the process of making this list, I rewatched the 90s Rumbles, and this one stood out as the weakest (more on some of the others later).
Prior to the match, Fink takes extra long to go through the rules of the match, emphasising twice that you need to go over the top rope, and going through the ropes does not constitute elimination. I can’t recall them ever going to such lengths to emphasise the rule, but the motives of why they do this become very clear very shortly.
Austin is number 1, and Vince McMahon is number 2. Vince’s entrance is without music, which he’d have later on the show.. If I’m remembering right, I think this might be the first time we ever saw just how jacked Vince is - in kayfabe thanks to heavy training from Shane McMahon. The story of this match is that Vince is trying to stop Austin win by any means necessary, and put a bounty of $100,000 on any one who could stop him. Commissioner Shawn Michaels put Vince in at number 2 just to fuck with him. The match begins as you’d expect with Austin beating the hell out of Vince. After Golga’s entrance at number 3, Austin and McMahon conveniently go through the ropes and brawl to the back. There, Austin is ambushed by members of the Corporation and sent away in an ambulance. Droz is number 4, but he gets no entrance and just stands around in the ring for 90 seconds waiting for the next wrestler.
The thing that I find about Royal Rumbles is that there is a fairly easy formula to it. A) you need to space out your star power. There’s nothing worse than a Royal Rumble where all the big names are held until the end; B) you want at least one or two guys that are prominent names to go the distance and always be there. I find this makes the flow of the match better, and ensures you always have someone the fans are interested in. Great examples of this are Flair in 92, Kane in 01, Benoit and Orton in 04, Edge in 07. Now you may say, “but Austin and McMahon are the biggest names in this match and they go the distance”, to which the natural response is, yes but neither were in the ring for a long period of time. C) You need stars. This is a key part. Stars and storylines in a Royal Rumble are the way to keep fans invested.
Here’s the list of entrants in order after Austin and McMahon start brawling to the outside.
Golga, Droz, Edge, Gillberg, Steve Blackman, Dan Severn, Tiger Ali Singh, Blue Meanie, Headbanger Mosh*. Road Dogg, Gangrel, Kurrgan, Al Snow.
*Replaced by Mabel almost immediately.
That’s the first 15 people. Road Dogg is by far the biggest name there at that point which kind of says it all. You don’t get a real big name until Kane at number 18 (more on him in a second …) leaving a very very long period of uninteresting wrestlers. If Austin was in there, it would be forgivable because the fans would have someone to latch onto and you could actually make a story out of the $100k bounty (more on this later too …).
In theory, the Royal Rumble match should suit the short attention span booking of Vince Russo. Every 90 seconds a new opportunity to make a new story. But the problem lies in that the stories have to be good. As you’d expect for a late 90s Rumble, there’s lots of gimmicks but not a great deal of narrative that any of them add. The first big story after Austin’s injury is when Mabel replaces Headbanger Mosh. Mabel dominates in a slow, unenthusiastic way for a minute or two, clearing out the ring in the process. That is until the Ministry of Darkness turn off the lights and take Mabel away, leaving just Road Dogg in the ring. Mabel would go on to be rebranded as Viscera, and would end up doing absolutely nothing of note in the Ministry of Darkness. Excellent use of a stand alone spot within the Rumble. Undertaker, an actual big star in a match desperate for them, never appears outside of this.
Kane is number 18 and we finally get a bit of star power and he quickly eliminates every other wrestler in the Rumble. Then, in a classic piece of Russo bullshit, men from the insane asylum in white suits come out to take Kane away, and Kane … just steps over the top rope and eliminates himself. Kane was part of the Corporation, but had started to defy Vince McMahon, so McMahon tried to get him institutionalised and taken back to the asylum he grew up in. Kane, the first meaningful star in the match since Austin at number 1, is involved in the match for less than a minute.
For a time period where factions were all the thing, the wrestlers are very stupid about how they target their guys. It feels like everyone is just attacking each other at random. Members of the Corporation fighting each other (while Austin is in the ring, no less!), D-X fighting each other. The commentators play it off as “every man for himself”, but there’s no logic to anything. Why is everyone not going after Austin with the $100k bounty on his head, especially those loyal to Vince? Why does nobody even entertain the idea of working with their faction partners?
Ken Shamrock is number 19, so again a little bit of star power but this now makes the fourth time in this match where one wrestler is in the middle of the ring waiting for the next competitor. Vince is back too and goes on commentary. To the shock of absolutely nobody, Austin makes a shocking return in the ambulance and the crowd starts to come alive. Shocking that having a bit of star power will keep people interested. Austin, despite going to the hospital earlier, shows no ill effects of the attack and is business as usual. It’s similar to the Roman Reigns booking in 2016 - if he’s taken out the match and then comes back showing no effects, then he’s essentially just taken an extended break. It might have even added a bit of suspense to the match if he was showing signs of injury.
Another annoyance is they are extremely liberal with Austin and McMahon going in and out of the ring. I counted 5 times that Austin or McMahon went through the ropes at various points in the match.
In fairness to this match, there’s more star power at the end of the match with a lot of popular midcard acts coming out in the final 10. But I can’t help but get frustrated that some of these weren’t showcased earlier when we had battles between Tiger Ali Singh and the Blue Meanie. Secondly, while Ken Shamrock, D’Lo Brown and Triple H are prominent midcarders, that’s all they are. Chyna makes history as the first woman to enter a Royal Rumble match, eliminates Mark Henry before her own anticlimactic elimination. The “final four” (not counting McMahon) are Austin, Owen Hart, Big Boss Man, and D’Lo Brown. It’s one of the most lopsided final fours ever with zero drama as to what’s going to happen. We inevitably get down to Austin and McMahon. Austin pisses about beating up Mr McMahon for a few minutes. I get that he could just throw McMahon out, but there’s also the deal that he could only physically hit McMahon in the confines of a match which is at least some logic in a match bereft of it. That said, it makes winning the Rumble seem less important to him that just punching Vince for a minute. The finish also made Austin like a complete moron and benefited nobody outside of that initial shock factor of Vince winning the Rumble, which is such a typical Russo piece of booking.
Fuji on the discord guessed this would be the 1995 Rumble, but despite that match being very bad and also having a lack of star power, that has the redeeming factor of Shawn Michaels bumping like an absolute madman to make the match watchable. The 1997 Rumble is boring, but at least that has an interesting overarching story with Austin and Bret. I don’t think this match has any redeeming factors. Even the commentary on this match is pretty unbearable. Cole in these early 1999 shows was so irritable. It’s not the worst Royal Rumble ever, but it’s certainly one of my least favourite. Predictable booking of Austin, boring wrestlers, a couple of ridiculously overbooked sections, and a terrible winner makes for one of the worst efforts in the match’s history.
Up next - speaking of 1995, we take our first visit to 1995 as one poor midcarder suffers the wrath of the Kliq.
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